I know Dave. He’s not here. In fact, even when he’s here, he’s not here. Hence, we have taken to calling him Dave’s Not Here.
He doesn’t like it. And although he has implored us to stop with the Dave’s Not Here moniker, we feel a certain reticence to discontinue such monikering. Not out of malice, I hasten to stipulate. No…that would be wrong.
The truth is that we’re all rather fond of Dave’s Not Here, which is precisely the reason we believe it’s in his best interest that we continue Dave’s Not Here-ing him, though it pains us to do so.
You see, Dave’s Not Here has never suffered a lick of adversity in all his years on this mortal coil. Consequently, he’s got it in his head that life is just a bowl of cherries. ‘Taint so, as you well know. I mean, sure…to those of us who’ve been annealed in the crucible of the dumpster and its fires, we lunch on adversity, and even have it served up hot ‘n’ hearty ‘n’ plump as ya please for dinner, without batting an eye…
…and that’s eggzackley why we say “ba’Foom!” in celebratory candor, or something, fully acknowledging that the world is fixing to pass us by, what with all its AI, and World Cups Runneth Over, or whatever current distractions tickle the fancy of.the hoi polloi. We care not. Let the chips fall where they may. The dogs bark, but the Caravan with a drum solo moves on.
Don’t try to talk me out of it. I jammed with Jaco Pastorius, and lived to tell it. I can certainly handle a disgruntled Dave’s Not Here.
Steve: You're right, of course. In fact, it's more than "a touch" rude.
We have seen the error of our meddling ways. We are currently deciding on an alternative nomenclature that fully acknowledges Dave's existence, while still indicating that he does evince a certain...um, absence of presence of mind. In the meantime, we shall provisionally refer to him as Dave Is Somewhere.
BTW, I told him that you found his tape. In Australia. He replied, "Oh, good! I've never been there."
"Good? So...does that mean you're going to go there to retrieve it?"
"Retrieve what?"
"The tape."
"Where?"
"Australia."
"I've never been there."
"Yes, I know...you said that. So, why is it 'good'?"
"Why is what good?"
"Why is it good that Steve found your tape?"
"Who's Steve?"
"The guy in Australia who found your tape."
"Steve found my tape?"
"Yes. In Australia."
"I've never been there."
"(sigh) Never mind."
"OK! Good!"
Dave Is Somewhere says "Good!" a lot. We worry about him.
"Dave, wherever you are, we worry about you."
"Good!"
"Good? I dunno...it's prolly not good to worry."
"Then don't worry."
We don't know why Dave Is Somewhere is the way he is. There is some speculation that large quantities of hallucinogenic substances might have been involved.
I'm not sure about the hallucinogenic hypothesis. It sort of fits, but then something like the previous exchange about worrying/don't worrying occurs.
For my part, I'm beginning to suspect that he's a Zen master. Not on purpose, mind you. Sort of by default. It's a path of least resistance kinda thang.
__________
In retrospect, I can see that this story would benefit from some editorial changes. I mean, if Dave were really a Zen master, he wouldn't care what we call him...even if we called him late for dinner.
I really did know a guy whom everyone called Dave's Not Here. I just called him Dave, onna counta that was his preference. Names are the property of their owners. Respect for the sanctity of property is a fundamental moral requirement of civilization.
I realize that the concept of intangible property is a "radical concept". In my experience, the vast majority of my fellow humanoids are utterly resistant to the idea of intangible property...er, that is, until THEIR intangible property is involved. Then they're ready to go to war over it.
It seems to me that there would be a lot less trouble in the world if we upright monkeys of Planet Earth just recognized that the intangible forms of property are the most valuable aspects of property in the first place.
I mean, today is July 3, 2026. It was a scant 250 years ago tomorrow that the intangible forms of property called life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness were touted as everyone's unalienable rights—a concept to which there is still (quite rightly) much breast-beating and trumpeting. Alas, it does not translate into behaviors that act as though they believe it...
...and by "they", I mean especially the entities who sole purpose is to secure (protect) those rights, as plainly stated by the same document.
But that just means that, except in certain limited cases, what we call "government" isn't really government at all, as it is defined by that document.
That's the problem, innit? The meddling...the clowns who make up names for Dave "for his own good", because they think he'd be better off if they made his choices for him.
I can't think of a more exasperating, fruitless, and ultimately frustrating experience than being a moral humanoid and attempting to "fix" anything with politics. It's the wrong tool for the job. It's inherently immoral—making up rules about what others should or should not do, and enforcing them at gunpoint, jail-point, or any-point that interferes with the very rights the so-called government is supposed to protect.
When it comes down to it, respect for the sanctity of property—in ALL its forms, tangible and intangible—is about the most you or I or anyone can do to "fix" what's messed up in the world.
Hence, Dave is just Dave. I'll be glad to take a message for him.
I shall call him Just Dave then. I think though Just Dave can’t just go round writing his name on any old cassette tapes and expect to lay claim forever more even after leaving it in a wall cavity for decades. But I’m happy to dub it for him.
I know Dave. He’s not here. In fact, even when he’s here, he’s not here. Hence, we have taken to calling him Dave’s Not Here.
He doesn’t like it. And although he has implored us to stop with the Dave’s Not Here moniker, we feel a certain reticence to discontinue such monikering. Not out of malice, I hasten to stipulate. No…that would be wrong.
The truth is that we’re all rather fond of Dave’s Not Here, which is precisely the reason we believe it’s in his best interest that we continue Dave’s Not Here-ing him, though it pains us to do so.
You see, Dave’s Not Here has never suffered a lick of adversity in all his years on this mortal coil. Consequently, he’s got it in his head that life is just a bowl of cherries. ‘Taint so, as you well know. I mean, sure…to those of us who’ve been annealed in the crucible of the dumpster and its fires, we lunch on adversity, and even have it served up hot ‘n’ hearty ‘n’ plump as ya please for dinner, without batting an eye…
…and that’s eggzackley why we say “ba’Foom!” in celebratory candor, or something, fully acknowledging that the world is fixing to pass us by, what with all its AI, and World Cups Runneth Over, or whatever current distractions tickle the fancy of.the hoi polloi. We care not. Let the chips fall where they may. The dogs bark, but the Caravan with a drum solo moves on.
Don’t try to talk me out of it. I jammed with Jaco Pastorius, and lived to tell it. I can certainly handle a disgruntled Dave’s Not Here.
I’ll be in the dumpster if you need me.
If i were Dave I’d be suggesting Dave’s not here is a touch rude, and how about Dave’s not here can I take a message.
Steve: You're right, of course. In fact, it's more than "a touch" rude.
We have seen the error of our meddling ways. We are currently deciding on an alternative nomenclature that fully acknowledges Dave's existence, while still indicating that he does evince a certain...um, absence of presence of mind. In the meantime, we shall provisionally refer to him as Dave Is Somewhere.
BTW, I told him that you found his tape. In Australia. He replied, "Oh, good! I've never been there."
"Good? So...does that mean you're going to go there to retrieve it?"
"Retrieve what?"
"The tape."
"Where?"
"Australia."
"I've never been there."
"Yes, I know...you said that. So, why is it 'good'?"
"Why is what good?"
"Why is it good that Steve found your tape?"
"Who's Steve?"
"The guy in Australia who found your tape."
"Steve found my tape?"
"Yes. In Australia."
"I've never been there."
"(sigh) Never mind."
"OK! Good!"
Dave Is Somewhere says "Good!" a lot. We worry about him.
"Dave, wherever you are, we worry about you."
"Good!"
"Good? I dunno...it's prolly not good to worry."
"Then don't worry."
We don't know why Dave Is Somewhere is the way he is. There is some speculation that large quantities of hallucinogenic substances might have been involved.
I'm not sure about the hallucinogenic hypothesis. It sort of fits, but then something like the previous exchange about worrying/don't worrying occurs.
For my part, I'm beginning to suspect that he's a Zen master. Not on purpose, mind you. Sort of by default. It's a path of least resistance kinda thang.
__________
In retrospect, I can see that this story would benefit from some editorial changes. I mean, if Dave were really a Zen master, he wouldn't care what we call him...even if we called him late for dinner.
I really did know a guy whom everyone called Dave's Not Here. I just called him Dave, onna counta that was his preference. Names are the property of their owners. Respect for the sanctity of property is a fundamental moral requirement of civilization.
I realize that the concept of intangible property is a "radical concept". In my experience, the vast majority of my fellow humanoids are utterly resistant to the idea of intangible property...er, that is, until THEIR intangible property is involved. Then they're ready to go to war over it.
It seems to me that there would be a lot less trouble in the world if we upright monkeys of Planet Earth just recognized that the intangible forms of property are the most valuable aspects of property in the first place.
I mean, today is July 3, 2026. It was a scant 250 years ago tomorrow that the intangible forms of property called life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness were touted as everyone's unalienable rights—a concept to which there is still (quite rightly) much breast-beating and trumpeting. Alas, it does not translate into behaviors that act as though they believe it...
...and by "they", I mean especially the entities who sole purpose is to secure (protect) those rights, as plainly stated by the same document.
But that just means that, except in certain limited cases, what we call "government" isn't really government at all, as it is defined by that document.
That's the problem, innit? The meddling...the clowns who make up names for Dave "for his own good", because they think he'd be better off if they made his choices for him.
I can't think of a more exasperating, fruitless, and ultimately frustrating experience than being a moral humanoid and attempting to "fix" anything with politics. It's the wrong tool for the job. It's inherently immoral—making up rules about what others should or should not do, and enforcing them at gunpoint, jail-point, or any-point that interferes with the very rights the so-called government is supposed to protect.
When it comes down to it, respect for the sanctity of property—in ALL its forms, tangible and intangible—is about the most you or I or anyone can do to "fix" what's messed up in the world.
Hence, Dave is just Dave. I'll be glad to take a message for him.
I shall call him Just Dave then. I think though Just Dave can’t just go round writing his name on any old cassette tapes and expect to lay claim forever more even after leaving it in a wall cavity for decades. But I’m happy to dub it for him.